how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
