I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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