explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
