im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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