Dude my mom stole all your condoms
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
