i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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