3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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