U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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