I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
