I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
