Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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