I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
