My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
