Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
