alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
