I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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