so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My bed smells like the plague
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
