if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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