well I can't set my house on fire every night
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
