What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
