Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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