i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
