1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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