??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
