You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Come see our sink grown plant.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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