K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
