My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
