please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
