I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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