we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
