who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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