OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
