I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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