I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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