ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
