Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
where are my eyebrows?
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