Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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