I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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