I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
