This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
