just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
