it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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