I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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