Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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