I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
