its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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