My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
