I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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