Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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