You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
