oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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