i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
