I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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