i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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