If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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